Working through fear

I recently had an epiphany. It’s a curious thing when that happens, and afterwards you think how on earth did I not see that before. 

I took my first Free Motion Quilting (FMQ) class through my local guild in 2018, and I took a few other classes on ruler work since. But I never made it beyond some practice and never had the courage to do this on a quilt I had put a lot of work and effort in. I stuck to the safe zone, using my Walking Foot for quilting. 

I previously wrote about a few workshops I did with Irene Roderick @hixsonir, including two monthlong ones with weekly calls (Choreography and Dancing Design) I dug quite deep into what I do, why I do it, and how I express myself in my quilt designs. This required some trips down memory lane into my childhood, and I was making a lot of inward and outward observations, and created doodles and sketches. I took these classes to support my journey to explore my artistic voice, to identify what makes my work unique, and where I want to go from here. The weekly sessions with a small group, led by Irene’s prompts, critiques and encouragement, proved invaluable. And while everyone worked on totally different types of quilts, the discussions about our work, and Irene’s lectures on artistic voice, working in a series, and design principles and elements, applied to all of us.

Full view of the quilt top I worked on during the Choreography workshop (still untitled)

When the quilt I started in Irene’s Choreography workshop in May was finally pieced together I started quilting it with my walking foot. The design has a lot of curves and I picked up on that with the quilting lines. But I had some other ideas I wanted to experiment with. I downloaded a photo of the quilt top in Procreate on my iPad, and started trying out different types of lines. Procreate is great for that. You can add layers to try out different quilting designs, and toggle them on and off to switch between them. I also drew lines on a printed copy of the quilt top. In the end I knew I wanted some pebbles in there to fill in some of the spaces between my walking foot quilting. But (!), pebbles require free motion quilting. The fight in my head started, and with that, the procrastination. 

Doodling quilting lines in Procreate

And with a marker on paper

Two other things were percolating in my subconscious somewhere, and I soon learned they were all connected and coming from a similar place.

First, what led up to the start of my quilting journey in 2017 was a very stressful period at work, and I thought a creative outlet could maybe help me switch off the work stress in the weekends, sleep better, etc. Since I was never a creative person, at least not in the sense that I could paint, draw, do ceramics, or any other art or craft, I thought about something I learned as a teenager: operating a sewing machine and making functional things, like some basic clothes, a duvet cover, pillow cases and the like.

At this point I hadn’t touched a sewing machine for at least 25 years, but on a whim during a sleepless night I ordered a basic and inexpensive machine online. Once delivered it sat under my desk (box unopened) for about 3 months. During that time I looked for small projects I could take on, I bought other sewing supplies and some fabric, but I didn’t touch the machine. Once I finally did the floodgates opened and fast forward 4 years I’m a different person because of that purchase and what I did with it.

Second, a few months ago I got very excited about the idea to experiment with acrylic paints and working that into quilts. I took a few online on demand videotaped classes, by Katie Pasquini Masopust and Tracy Verdugo. I was mesmerized and knew I wanted to try this, I HAD to try this. So I went and got some basic supplies, put up a table in the basement, covered it with plastic, cut and primed some canvases. I was ready to go. This was in April though, and I haven’t done anything with it. I couldn’t figure out why I kept pushing it off, but I guess I put my head in the sand and kept saying I don’t have time for this right now, but I really want to do this, maybe next week, or next month? 

Back to my desire for pebbles on my most recent quilt. I was at the point I had completed most of the other quilting and I needed to make a decision: Do I fill in these areas with wavy lines using my walking foot (safe zone!), or do I take the plunge and finally put the FMQ foot on my machine for the pebbles? I knew in my heart I wanted the pebbles, and came to realize that I had been procrastinating the decision out of pure fear I wouldn’t do a good enough job and I would mess up the quilt I was so happy with and had worked so hard on.  I’m sure this sounds familiar to some of you. The gremlins as I call them (those little voices chirping in your ear) kept feeding the fear and holding me back, but they were up against the part of me who wants to push herself, and knows the only way to learn something is by taking the plunge. I got some FaceTime encouragement from my friend and first FMQ teacher Jackie Laba, to just do it, and I’m happy to say the gremlins lost the fight this time. I practiced a bit and then jumped in. The first few were a bit more wobbly than I would have liked, but then I slid into a rhythm, and to my surprise my pebbles came out just fine. 

It may sound obvious to a lot of people, and quite frankly it does to me now (aren’t we always wiser in hindsight?), but all of a sudden I saw the connection between the sewing machine sitting under my desk for 3 months back in 2017, ongoing procrastinating FMQ in favor of easier quilting techniques, and (duh!) the paint supplies currently still sitting in my basement untouched.

It can be hard to push yourself out of your comfort zone all by yourself. In general I’m a confident person, aware of my own abilities and limitations, but not overly fearful of new things at all. I have ambition, and I know I’m developing skills in a fairly rapid tempo on this journey to working as an artist, but I’m also just a human trying to deal with a pandemic, social isolation, uncertainty, and just every day insecurities that I believe most people probably have. Growing up girls especially were groomed to question themselves all the time. Some of that sticks and the gremlins love to take advantage of those times. And when they see an opening, a vulnerability, they swoop in armed with all of the guerrilla tactics and rhetoric they can muster up. I’m grateful for the epiphany that let me see the connection between these events and my procrastination. I think I’ve just found new courage to finally dip those paintbrushes in the paint and fill those canvases with wildly abstract shapes and colors. This time I will get started!

Thank you for reading along and accompanying me on my journey. I hope you get something out of my thoughts and realizations, my epiphanies, and my fights with the gremlins. I encourage you to take the plunge, whatever it is that you’re procrastinating or fearful of. Just do it and don’t worry too much about the outcome. It will come out just fine.

I invite you to comment and tell me about your experience with gremlins, or whatever form or name they may have for you.